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[22 Mar 2007|12:03pm] |
I havent updated in almost a year. Amazing.
Coming up on one year of single-dom. Its alright.
Im going to Big Bear tonight for the weekend and to start my spring break. A huge cabin packed full of the people I love. I couldn't be happier. I'm even picking Lauren T. up from the airport in Ontario on the way up. Personally, I'm bring a bottle of Smirnoff, a handle of Morgan, a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Andre, and a case of Stella. That should last til...tomorrow.
Oh yeah!
I lived in London from August til right before Christmas. While there, I went to Amsterdam, Paris, all over Scotland, Barcelona, Berlin, spent 12 days all over Italy, and somewhere else that I can't remember. It was all good.
So I'm doubling the major but being irresponsible and doing Vegas turnaround trips and taking weekends off work to explore what CA has to offer. I'm getting old and thats alright. Having fun and thats alright too. Im working on coordinating another amsterdam trip for myself and miss taylor. Maybe my newly single sister as well.
I have myspace and blogger(that is also rarely updated) and facebook and flickr and any of those would be a better way of keeping up with me if wanted.
Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/natalihopkins
Ta-dah.
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[18 Apr 2006|07:15pm] |
So after two and a half excellent years, robin brown and I are calling it quits.
We still love each other alot, and there are absolutely no hard feelings between us. The spark that was once there has just diminished.
He's still my best friend and I'm going to try really hard to maintain some sort of relationship with him. I want to go to his wedding some day.
Even though its been a relatively healthy break up, I still feel broken. This is the saddest I've been since my brother died. It's two different kinds of sad, but on the same level. Everything makes me cry.
The worst part is that I feel like a failure. I was so sure of our relationship. I was so sure he was going to be my husband one day. And I was wrong. I couldn't make it work, I failed. I haven't told anyone in person, or anyone much in general. If I think about it for more than two seconds I break down. Completely.
I'm pretty sure everyone I tell thinks we're going to get back together. That we broke up in some fit of anger and we'll eventually get over it and continue on. I can say that we are both entirely certain that this won't happen.
He was the one I went to when I was down, and now he's the one person I can't go to. So for the most part I've been going it alone, with the exception of occasional text messages amongst a couple of good friends. And we've been texting alot too, trying to start what will be our new relationship.
I thought he was perfect for me. I thought he was everything I wanted. And he was, and is. I don't know that I'll ever be happy.
I don't know who I am without him. I met him when i was still in high school, now I'm close to completing college and he's graduated. In a strange way, I think I was preparing myself for this. Reconnecting with old friends lately, trying to create a new support system for when I would no longer have him. I haven't told my mom. She's going to be disappointed.
My whole body is sad. I start shaking hard and I cant get my breath and I never knew I had so many tears. Twice I've cried so hard that I started dry heaving and almost vomitting.
Time heals all and it will be for the best and I am in no condition to accept any cliches, I'm sad. I'm alone.
He wants to meet up on thursday. I'm going to, but I'm scared. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm pretty sure he's in the same condition I am.
I'm terrified of whatever comes next.
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[23 Feb 2006|10:40am] |
I got my all-time high school in bowling last nite, 131. Hell yes.
Things are good. CSF has been treating me well. So far, it is about 29 million times easier than FCC. Figure that one out.
I've been hanging out with Abbey more and that makes me all kinds of happy. I still have more love for the RDB than I know what to do with, even though we see each other much less often than we use to.
I feel much more relaxed than I have in the past. I think that I am easier to be around.
On tuesday I attended an 8 hour seminar to become a Certified Designated Trainer at Red Robin. It was one of the more painful experiences in my life. For whatever reason, I was called on about 25 times while the other 30 people in the room got called on once or twice. It got annoying way fast. Furthering the annoyance, all of the trainers used the 'ten steps of training' which resulted in dialog similar to this:
trainer: There are ten steps in training! Natali! How many steps in training are there?
me: Ten.
trainer: THATS RIGHT! There are TEN steps in training!
Seriously. Over and over and over.
The biggest thing going for me right now though is that I'm going to be doing my fall semester in London. We are already scheduled for two other trips to Amsterdam, Paris, and Prague. I'm going with Abbey and we plan on taking the eurorail to another country every other weekend. Rome, Dublin, and Madrid top the list. The second half of the semester is going to spent doing an internship in london. This excites me immensely.
Ooh. And I bought myself a 20 inch Imac. So I have all of the elements to create a happy life. Now I just need to figure out how to piece them together.
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[12 Nov 2005|11:26pm] |
Thus far, I'm getting straight A's, just got promoted at work to a server/cdt, and have started a nice little savings account. Yes, starting a savings when you still owe on several credit cards doesnt make too much sense, but I believe it will all be paid off by january.
I want to create something physical, and whole, that other people can see and that I can be proud of.
Robin gets more attractive every day. I don't know how that works, but I don't mind. Two years in december.
I need to hang out with abbeybenandrew more. Yes I do.
I'm in dire need of a prescription change. My mind is healthy, my body is not.
I'm auctioning off a bunch of my clothes and purses on ebay soon. Watch for it.
I really don't need the money. I just am trying to simpify my life as much as possible.
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[13 Sep 2005|11:07pm] |
I've been having rough days.
The R. Brown is using all his forms of R. Brown skillz to make the days alittlesmoother.
Like buying me tickets to go see 13&God. Yes!
I had a super bad migraine that I woke up with this morning and that I will go to sleep with tonite.
The three and a half hours spent standing in traffic with NO gas and NO air conditioning didnt help.
Serious. THREE AND A HALF to go about two miles.
Next week is dangerous. I'm really not going to be working at all. But I'll be a having a good time, which has been few and far between this month.
And I'll get to dress up and be silly and watch movies and have no responsibilities and that makes me happy.
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[01 Sep 2005|11:04pm] |
I need to weigh the pros and cons.
I love love love my job. Serious. And I will survive. And I'm next in line to be promoted.
I don't know how I feel about my boy working SO much right now. Serious. Seven days a week, 9 to 6. But he's rich now. And its only for three more weeks before he gets to cut back. And its not like his job is hard.
And he's acting in a Kia commercial on saturday. Ha!
And then and then.
We go to palm springs? For the palm springs film festival? And I dress up every where we go because I CAN.
And he's paying my way into smeffs party tommorow night. Fourty bucks each gets us a 35 person limo til three aye emm and all the liquor we can handle. How high school.
I'm all about success.
I feel like everything ever is going to be amazing from here on out.
We don't fight or bicker or argue at all anymore. Just like that. It's been months. I don't know what changed.
I've racked up 1900 bucks in debt on my credit card. Ha! I'm not worried.
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[23 Jul 2005|09:33pm] |
So I had a huge crush on this guy when I was in high school. I ended up dating one of his friends for a few weeks to try and get with him, but that didn't work out so well.
So.
This guy comes in to work the other night, and I keep looking at him because he looks like someone I use to know. He was a chubster. That's when I realized it was totally my ex-crush, but like fifty pounds heavier.
In conclusion, if you do me wrong, you WILL get fat.
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[13 Jul 2005|06:39pm] |
I just took my car to a carwash that I had never been to before. I was apprehensive, but the worst that could happen would be a spotty carwash.
Wrong.
I watched in fear as my car came out of the wash tunnel and the driver proceeded to crash my car into the rear bumper of the next car inline.
I've never been so angry in my entire life.
I cussed in front of children, and their mother came up and backed me up to the carwash manager. She saw the whole thing.
I fucking love my car so much. I'm an advocate for the volkswagon company. It frustrated me so much to see someone disrespect my property so much.
My car appears ok, and I got my money back for the wash. I filed a report in case I notice anything later.
Seriously though. Don't go to the Santiago Car Wash by Irvine Lake.
Seriously.
The manager didn't even care. He just backed up his workers, saying their feet were slippery and it slipped off the pedal. Bullshit. Your job is to drive my car fifteen feet. You should be able to do that.
I want to kill something small and precious.
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[10 Jul 2005|11:09pm] |
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Nothing excites me more than the thought of spending the rest of my life with him.
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[19 May 2005|10:17am] |
I've been off my medication for awhile now and its amazing to be able to feel again. To be so. fucking. in.love. and just to watch movies over and over again and love them too.
My dad and sher are heading to vegas so I have this whole big hilltop to myself. I'm going to go swim in the pool and look down at the coyotes and horses and city below me.
I had the priveledge of witnessing the creation of three of the most superb student films ever made this semester. Of course I put all of myself into my boy's, but this friday I'll be the lush hooting and hollering at the Chapman awards during all of the 8 categories that they got nominated for.
Namely Colter's russian zombie film, Facility Four, that is going to sweep the awards with six nominations.
I've yet to get to make the trek out to el aye to see the spectacle that is the life that came from jasmin's vagina. I can't wait. This kid will be having full blown conversations about nuclear physics at eight weeks.
After I quit nordstrom a couple weeks back I went through six jobs in a week! I settled for the one that pays the least, but I could give less of a fuck because its fun and I have a life again.
And alas, I have four weeks of summer school left and then I never have to step foot onto a community college campus again. I fucked up so royally this semester. But it doesnt matter now. I start at csf in the fall, and will only be there for the fall before transferring somewhere more desireable.
I'm 19 with an aa. I WILL have at least one b.a. by 21.
And big UPS to my r.d.b. for all of his many achievements:
1. Graduating from Chapman this saturday!
2. Making a fourty minute short film feel like twenty.
3. Putting up with my bullshit for all of 18 months. And its still. so. good.
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[01 Dec 2004|08:27pm] |
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I miss something I've never had.
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[02 Nov 2004|01:13pm] |
I called robin just to tell him Im happy.
Theres been such a big void in my life and I refilled it with lauren! and everythings ok again.
Robins party saturday was so great. Just great. I got to hang out with my girl, run around and talk to too many people, then fly by my boy with kisses before going off to drink or front or dance.
The band left their equiptment there because they ended up walking home, so I awoke a house of hung over kids with an 8am drum solo.
Im not here to make friends!
So many rad people there, such a good vibe.
Expect a similar holiday/natalirobin birthday bash in mid december.
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[27 Oct 2004|07:36pm] |
I've been ridiculous as of late.
Being put into this fancy job in this fancy house just turned me incredibly un-fancy. Showering is overrated.
I have learned to save time and money by applying layer over layer of makeup.
I have a boyfriend who is so totally inlove with me, thus, I I dont have to care.
I dont want to be responsible. I dont want to wake up at 530am every morning. I dont want to eat mall food.
I've just been trying to convince myself that it cool to live out of your car and disheveled hair is all the rage.
Old natali would have at least done her hair prior to a photo shoot.
I spend about 90 percent of my time hiding in robins bed.
I have no passion and no drive.
I think my life would be better if I ate less, drank more, saw less of robin, and more of lauren.
My brain is rotting.
Go to BentoProductions.com if you feel like it. Derek Doi's film, Falling, is the one I acted in, and Fleeting is Robin's most recent project. All of the bento boys have a film screening in the OsCene, an art, film, music, exhibit that will be running at a few galleries in laguna. I get to go to the invite-only opening. Wear a fancy dress and schmooze with Kevin Disco and pretend like I matter.
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[10 Oct 2004|08:59am] |
I am on the polaroidscene.com
Im pretty sure this makes me cool.
Finally!
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[06 Oct 2004|05:16pm] |
I just finished training at nordstroms.
My life was worth eighty dollars today.
My cars internal system is fucked up from my accident so I overheated after the game. Its gonna cost 600 dollars to fix. I still owe the credit card company 444. They charged my 30 dollars for being one day late so my forty dollar payment turned into a 4 dollar payment.
I think Im about to have a breakdown.
Im stuck in this house with no transport whatsoever. All I want is to cuddle in robins huge bed and never leave it.
I just want to cocoon and forget about school and work and debt and just be happy and watch mr. show.
I really wish I lived at the bottom of this hill.
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[06 Sep 2004|10:38pm] |
Jasmin, if we were to come out to you, or you to us, would things be the same? Cause nothing feels the same.
I'm moving to Hacienda Heights. Skyline Drive off Old Fullerton Road. Come back and we can be NEIGHBORS. Theres coyotes and hawks and deer everywhere, my kitties shall be tasty treats.
Rusty is moving to Louisiananana. Remember rusty? You guys should hang out.
Lauren and I have no lives. If I dont get a call back from NORDSTROMS this week then I will be stuck in a GE Lab, testing silicones for durability. I'm going to have my doctorate by the time I'm 22 then I'll start my long lonely life of searching for a man that is ok with no kids, no marriage, no touching, and having a woman that is 87 times more successful then he is.
Once I get all back on the right meds and the bad ones are done with their little trip through my blood system, I shall reunite with my one-and-only. We're on a break. I could never hold anothers hand, its to him I am condemned.
Yeah baby, I'm bad news.
All I eat anymore is goat cheese and artichoke hearts and cracker jacks.
I miss late nights and short skirts.
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[03 Sep 2004|06:55pm] |
1. Interviewed for a big girl job.
2. Moving to Hacienda Heights in approximately two weeks.
3. Still with the R. Brown.
4. 16 Units of general ed requirements kicking my ass.
5. Diagnonsense: Stressed.
6. I want the spring of 2002 back.
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[10 Aug 2004|10:31pm] |
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I dont know where we go from here.
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[29 Jun 2004|01:53pm] |
So on my way to work last friday(for the first time in WEEKS) I get in an accident on the freeway. The other guy drove off.
A women helped me get off the freeway where we called the police, who called an ambulance. I called my mom. And robin.
I'm ok. Im sore. And my left forearm has been constanly bandaged up. I left a little skin on the airbags, apparantly. And I broke the windshield with my head!
But I walked away from it.
I feel like shit cause I dont have collision coverage and Im broke as fuck. And I had to call in and inform my work that I wouldnt be showing up at all this week, due to the pussing bleeding mess called my arm. So I feel guilty and shitty and blah.
BUT!
The boy has yet to leave my side since right after the accident. Im so fucking lucky to have a doctor brown. He held my hand in the er and has been nothing but perfect. So yes.
Now I go to kauaii. See you in two weeks.
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[20 Jun 2004|08:52pm] |
I'm back kids.
Tonight is the first night I sleep in my own bed in over three weeks.
Where ever have I been?
London, Bath, Stratford Upon Avon, The Coswolds, Salt Lake City, PArk City, Paris, Brighton...just to name a few.
I've been scammed by the french, hit on by the turkish, adored by the english, and LOVED BY THE ROBIN.
Yeah, two days left in paris and the boys parents book US a week in salt lake city to go see his most recent film premiere at the Utah Short Film Festival.
So after three weeks of no him, we got a whole week to lay in bed and hear each others stories of western europe and hold hands while walking through zoos, hike, go on a fucking ZIP LINE AND LUGE, watch, films and just be overall terribly in love.
IM ONLY IN TOWN FOR TWELVE DAYS, KIDS. IM A FUCKING JET SETTER.
So yeah, take advantage of me now, as the class of 2004 is doing tonight.
Then Ill be in Kauai for 15 days with the fam, then home, for just enough time to plan my next adventure...italy...the east coast...prague...
So I missed my KIDS and I missed my CATS and I missed my BED and I think someone had SEX in my shower.
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